Of Trauma And Healing

The experience of living with unhealed trauma can be described with the analogy of an invisible broken leg. Let's say that as a child, my leg was broken, but nobody acknowledged it or could see it. Hobbling around on one leg may have even been a normal way to be in my immediate family situation.

The broken leg then festered, it intensely and chronically hurt. It disabled me in so many ways and affected every facet of my life. I tried to live everyday life, navigate the stages of childhood, and go through the rites of passage into adulthood the best way I could, all the while having huge parts of myself preoccupied with the intense pain of the open wound and hobbling around on one leg.

I lived within a chronic inner mist, trying to allow the sounds, smells, and voices of everyday life to penetrate through the fog of pain. I could not see what was wrong with me, nor did I know how to help myself heal as it was all unconscious. I dealt with lagging behind others because I could not walk properly, could not run, nor do things in the same carefree way while living with the disabling effects of unhealed trauma.

There were so many emotional layers tied to all of this, so many specific behaviors, especially if the trauma occurred very early in one's life. In such cases, there is no experience of a life without trauma to compare it with. I had no clue who I was without it or what it was like to be without pain. The identification was so complete, so deeply embedded in the psyche.

Dealing with not being able to do life as well as others seemed to, of being different, of continually trying to self-medicate, and feeling guilt and shame for something being very wrong at a very deep level without really knowing the cause of it all. I thought I appeared different and odd to others, behaving strangely, and this too carried a whole lot of emotions that needed to be resolved.

But I was not strange; I was very normal, really—normal for somebody with a broken leg. It took me many decades to understand this distinction.

This year has been huge in uncovering the last layers of all this. I have stepped outside of this identification, and the old paradigm has collapsed within me. Tapping and stepping into the unknown, behind another veil, uncovering the truth of my story. Changing the perspective of how I see my story, my past, the people in it, and myself in it.

Having compassion and understanding for my journey and that of others in similar situations. It feels like I’ve come back to myself in a new way that is hard to put into words. Authentic in my feelings, in my choices, in who I am. And all of this is so blessedly peaceful and quiet, like the quiet thunder of growing things in the garden. Invisible to the casual observer and yet dynamic and all-pervasive, reinventing itself anew each day.

It is most surprising that I don’t feel resentment at my journey. Instead, I feel a deep appreciation of life and the wisdom of my experiences, having incredible insights and understandings. It has been the achievement of my life to come out the other side feeling healthy and well. Feeling more myself than ever before.

The path itself was treacherous, and I saw many get lost along the way. Much of the track was like walking on a razor’s edge, navigating between so many choices at each stage. Choices that seemed more appealing on the surface level, but would enslave and wound even more, that would pull me deeper into suffering in the long run. And those choices that seemed harder and required work, but were truly healthy in the long run, and brought me back to myself. The latter took all the courage I had, but slowly and surely, I developed resilience, determination, grit, and dedication to my well-being.

I can appreciate the skills I developed along the way—perseverance, incredible discipline, and unwavering commitment to the presence of my soul.

Beneath it all and through it all, there is a very specific feeling that I’ve come to associate with this presence of my soul. It is a feeling so fine and quiet, and yet so all-pervasive. It is delightful, cheerful, gentle, carefree; a balm and sweet as nectar. At the same time, it is thunderous and steely, rugged, tough and fearless, not daunted by anything. I came to own these attributes along the way.

And it is this presence that allows me to see through the misconceptions and has guided me on this journey. The process of unveiling is the nature of existence and will never be complete. It is a state of flow, of becoming and dissolving at the same time.

My broken leg is now healed. It is a bit shorter than the other one, and a bit crooked. But it gives me character, it gives me the mark of experience. I live a full life, one that comes with scars and all sorts of things. I’ve been tested over and over again, and I have passed.

So much of my everyday feels new as I keep discovering, developing and choosing who I am outside of the old identity. I’ve stepped into the unknown space yet again. Another unfolding has begun.