I dreamed of being a star when I was growing as so many others do. Especially in my teenager years, when as a family we were experiencing extremely challenging times, I thought that being famous would resolve my inner emptiness. I wanted to be a star – film star or music, it didn't matter. It was a dream that was supposed to pull me out of feeling insignificant, worthless and give me respect. I manifested many of my dreams in this lifetime and I feel I've lived so many lives within my few decades on this Earth.
I'm glad that I didn't become a word film star but I did find a way to experience local fame through music. The qualities and attributes of a dream are very similar regardless of whether you experience them locally or in a larger way.
In my 30es I started learning Djembe drum and it turned out I had some talent in that area. Music has always been my passion but I never learned any notes or any instrument before this. I also didn't realise that as a grown up person learning a new art skills would also give me such an intimate experience with my body and brain changing to accommodate the rhythm, to accommodate the knowingness of music to come from somewhere deep inside of me and meet the practicing hands and body. Soon I became a member of a band and over the next few years we did many gigs, shows, weddings, parties, team building corporate events and so much more. My drumming has opened many doors for me and the experience itself has so many layers, angles and perspectives. I participated in running drumming programs in remote indigenous communities as part of those years.
And so I ended up teaching drumming, in the remote communities as well as in my town. The money was really good but I also worked full time in my other job. And so over the years I became burned out because at that time, I really didn't know how to look after my own well being at all. Performing at local shows and teaching also made my face known to many and I started being recognised on the street and in shops. The energy interaction between the audience and players on stage is something out of this world. But the loss of anonymity in every day life is not as pleasant especially if you are a very private person. Over the years, I also came to realisation, that happiness was not in being known, or even being good at playing an instrument or a successful musician. The appreciation by others only works for a very short time in filling the empty void that I tried to fill. That void consisting of lack of self love and self respect. Those who are aware of Sexual Energy Virus, know how much feeding here is in these situations.
Somewhere in there, my joy of drumming and music changed into obligation and performance. The teaching became a chore and my lifestyle burned me out. In the end, I stopped drumming and could not touch my drum for over a year.
It was interesting to experience becoming a teacher of drumming. Because as soon as you become a label and a role, in this case a teacher, there is an incredible amount of rules and expectation that come with it. A lot has to do with image and perception, and so much energy then goes into maintaining that false image. All of a sudden there is an obligation to be good at playing, in fact to be the best and better than all the rest. You can not make mistakes, you can not do this and that. You have to create this invincible image and then invest so much to maintain that fake image. It changes the way you relate to every other person, it changes the way you relate to yourself as you no longer accept parts that are not as that 'image'. It is like some kind of split personality. Reality is one thing, your image that you project is another. The joy of teaching and drumming has slowly drained away and what was left was not so pleasant to feel. Instead of being the joy and the rhythm, I started feeling dead inside with regards to music.
And so it was with this kind of background that I wrestled with when Mikael few years later during my intense awakenings and integration suggested that I agreed to be a teacher of the New Era, and a channeller for our non-physical friends. The first time I refused. My spirituality, my awakening meant all to me. I found real solutions, my Soul was there, and it became the way of life. It meant too much to me to risk that too becoming a chore and for it to slowly die on the inside of me.
And so few years passed by with Mikael continually suggesting the self expression. Suggesting that the way of the Soul is completely different to what I've known in my separation. That my mind could not guide me in this journey, that it can not give me suggestions as it never experienced what the connected life was like. What it is like to feel the incredible love inside, when you keep discovering the golden nuggets on the inside, and what it is like for that joy and creativity to bubble over and you just can not but share it this never ending spring flowing from deep inside of you.
And so eventually I said yes...lets do it, lets go on this journey but we are not going to call ourselves a teacher at all. I was amazed at how easy and natural it all came to me and what huge hurdles there also were. Hurdles that had to do with my old image of myself as small, insignificant, not capable, in lack, not deserving etc.
And here we are, here I am. Few years later, now with a lot of experience in working with others in this way. Having the privilege to be a witness to their precious aha moments, those incredible divine moments when people first become consciously aware of their own Soul. In those moments they are so gentle, so tender, so delicate like the new born baby.
It is incredible to witness the energy movement and the changes people allow in themselves. Real changes, real integrations and expansion.
The journey has been so incredible and I have been walking at my own pace. At each stages ensuring with myself that my work is coming from the integrity and truth of myself. That it is not for the purpose of seeking external acknowledgement to fill any type of empty voids inside which I'm responsible to love. Because I'm responsible to nourish myself, to care for myself, to accept myself.
Those spaces that nobody else could every fulfil, no matter how much they loved me. And I have been much, I am loved much by the precious people in my life. In the past I was unable to recognise just how much I have been loved by others throughout my life and I thank all of you for your patience and tenacity. To love me when I didn't love myself.
And so the journey with my self expressions, and working with others has been so different to what my mind imagined. Traversing this landscape with the presence of soul self, with I Am that I Am is not for the mind to imagine for it can not.
I choose not to put labels on myself in this space, I don't try to fit myself in any straight jackets filled with preconceived rules. I create as I go. I discover as I Am. We just experiment and experience, express and play and evolve. And we continually invite others to join us in this dance if and when they feel the resonance, the call that we can assist them in some way. And then we dance with them, we expand with them.
Everything that other people feel, I feel and have felt. This path asks of me to continually look at what comes up and deal with it. Allow it, integrate it. The pressures from inside and outside, the triggers by others, the feelings like jealousy or others success, the variety of images that one is supposed to be, of what a teacher is supposed to be.
Somewhere along the way I also allowing other teachers to become human in my eyes, to take them off the crazy pedestal that I used to put them on. To let go of those that wanted me to keep them on a pedestal. To cultivate my own discernment in these matters.
The way of the Soul. Regardless of which choice one makes, which experience one chooses, which path....it is the way of the Soul to be deep and wide, to look at things, to expand from all different angles possible in every experience. Every grand overall experience has infinity of mini experiences within it. When the human is willing and allowing, then all parts of self are addressed in a wholesome way. All parts of self are covered so to speak. Every part gets included, addressed, loved, accepted, cared for.
This includes what the human often considers tough choices – choosing integrity over shallow acceptance by mass consciousness, choosing to follow the inner direction rather than to succumb to ' outer pressures'. These pressures always come from inside first, and get magnified by the outside. It may seem like other people are putting pressure on self, but instead, you have to look at a part on the inside that has that kind of voice, that is saying those things, that is putting that very pressure on yourself. And so once the soul addresses that part, then the pressure from the outside becomes small. Or rather, I can hear what the mass consciousness is saying but I have the ability to say no.
All of these issues are part of this journey, are part of my own self responsibility to deal with, make choices, resolve, discover and expand through. I am always learning new things, from new tech to everything else. It has also has to do with walking through my own old lacks.....like lack of self confidence, working through the fair energy exchange issues etc.. There has been a whole paradigm shift with this and my webinar recording are a witness to my own changing over the years.
Allowing the dorky, often daggy human Self, that I also am, to coexist with the incredible cosmic Self, the I Am that I Am. In this body, in this life, in this creative journey. The freedom to be a human being with all that comes with that. The freedom to explore and play in the privacy of my own space. The freedom to not allow myself to be stuck in any box made of my old ideas or those of other people on how things should be. Or by the constrictive, wounding and damaging boxes of the mass consciousness. I am a sovereign being walking through any and all constrictions, finding way out of limitations.
At the same time, the responsibility to be the integrity in my sharings, to be as clear as I can in any moment on behalf of others is mine also. To continually address any issues that come up. To honour and respect the sovereign journey of another person.
I continue to traverse this landscape with openness. Allowing what needs to be allowed, taking care of what needs to be taken care of, and doing what needs to be done. I continue to expand in the most surprising of ways.
Yes. This is the way of wholeness, the way of the Soul.